Jan, 42, used to dream a lot. He dreamt of travelling, of living abroad, falling in love and being accepted. Australia is a long way from Munich. He lives in Sydney with his boyfriend, Jamie, in a small apartment where they like to throw parties for their many friends. Jan has achieved his dreams. And he misses them.He misses the quiet, safe space his dreams provided, his parallel world of endless possibility and fantasy. “I feel condemned to the present,” he says.
“Sometimes Jamie and I talk about buying a house together. But then I think, fuck, how long will he be able to live there? Why pay for something that will never be his – never be ours?”
Jamie is HIV positive. He takes anti retro-viral drugs, but his viral load is high. Jan and Jamie are both aware of his fragile mortality. “I already grieve his death, sometimes,” says Jan. “It’s horrible and I feel guilty. I have to live in the present to avoid living with death. The future makes me sad.“My life is going to change dramatically one day. That used to excite me. Now it scares the hell out of me. I feel like all my dreams are slipping through my fingers, and they’re like water. I can’t grab them.”
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